Al Lee Wyer: News

A convention of CONSPIRICY THEORIST will be held next month at a location 5 miles north of ROSWELL New Mexico

Nutjob:-- " We expect a real big turnout and maybe even an extratarestrial guest "

" We all know the Government pulled off the 9/11 attacks--Faked the Moon Landings --- and spilled cornflakes on my keyboard "

President BUSH has announced that he will address the convention and remind them to be afraid

PrsBsh " You know---BIN LADEN is still out there and ---
Hey---- Isn't that ELVIS over there !! " (upi)
LOU DOBBS TONIGHT POLL

SHOULD CONSPIRICY THEORIST TEAM UP WITH ILLEGAL'S AND START AN
----ALLIEN ALLIANCE--he--he-
cast your vote at
www.loudobbs.com/thesefrigginanteneasareapainintheass

President BUSH sent a memo to upi explaining the drop in oil prices.

It seems none of the MAIN STREAM MEDIA is interested in what the Lame Duck President has to say

The President writes ; " Now Mr. HU ( China's President) spoke to me while he was feeding his oxen"

" Now we know CHINA and IDIA were sending oil prices through the roof -- not Our De Regulation and the Speculators you see '

" I can now confirm that CHINA and INDIA have now given up on Industrialization and gone back to raising ALPAKA'S "

" They don't need the oil you see so uhhh --- uhh the price comes down"

" Isn't that right Dick ? "

" uhhh Dick !!"

VP DICK CHANEY is off on another hunting trip to the Yukon.

He and his regular hunting buddy Eskimo Rapper " YO BITCH !! COOK THE FISH ! " will be joined By VP candidate Sarah Palin for a post election moose hunt

Chny : " She's one hell of a cook he hee he Pass me another one Padner"

"Look it's OLIVER STONE -- zzzpppp - Damn -- missed im"

Palin: " zzpppp "
"OI "
"Don't worry Dicky -- I got em!! "

" OKie Dokie now Point me at a Moose and I'll get us some Dinner I'll betcha"


YBCTF : " Yo D.C. -- You Whack man"

" That Bitch got a Gun and shit "
" Get me the F@$%# out the way man "

VPChny : " When we're out of the White House I'm gonna have HACKSAW hire her"
" Pass me another one Padner he heee "

" Look -- its Shumer --zzzpppp -- Damn! "

The Right Reverend Hacksaw is Chief Engineer of the V.P.'s Faith Based No Bid Contractors BULLDOZING FOR CHRIST

" Yo D.C. -- it's Vanilla Ice zzzzzzp -- Damn "

ap

President BUSH met today with CARLOS RAMIREZ GONZALEZ MENDEZ Chief Executive officer of Mexican Firm " WET BACK FIX A FLAT "

Prs : " Our OWNERSHIP SOCIETY is in Trouble and we need Entrapaneurs like Carlos "

Prs Aid : " He Prefers C.E.O. Ramirez Sir "

Prs : Uhhh You see Sir Carlos uhh /We;re Fee ---- and uhh - You see -- we uhh-- We We Love Freedom you see "

LOU DOBBS TONIGHT POLL
SHOULD THESE ILLEGALS BE ALLOWED TO TALK TO OUR PRESIDENT DIRECT -- AND MAKE US LOOK BAD ?
cast your vote at
www.loudobbs.com/DamnItMyRatingsAreSlippingPassMeATachoPabloAndMakeItBOOM

Vice President Chaneys hit IRANIAN Sit Com "CHICO AND THE AYATOLLAH" has a new sponser on board --- or at least so it seems.

BULLDOZING FOR CHRIST --- Chaney"s no bid Contracting Company --- has put up the Ill Gotten Gains it acquired following it's Bulldozing of the COMMUNE the Democrats had constructed in Washington D.C.

Chaney : " I love that show-- DOBBS is a natural -- pass me another one Padner "
( Dobbs plays the role of the loveable eight Ball screw up "CHICO")

Iranian President MAHAMUHD AHMAJINEDAD has railed against the sit com calling LOU DOBBS
" A Wonton Satanic Whore "

Episode 20 --- in which CHICO accidently drops a URANIUM ENRICHMENT ROD on the Ayatollahs foot ---recieved a 85 % share of the Iranian Prime Time Audience

LOU DOBBS TONIGHT POLL
SHOULD THE AYATOLLAH WASH HIS SANDALS SINCE HE'S LIT UP LIKE A CHRISTMAS TREE AND MIGHT BE RADIO ACTIVE
cast your vote at
www.loudobbs.com/It'sDarkInHereLittleBuddy--GiveMeaLightWillY--BOOOOOM

President BUSH met with President Elect OBAMA at the white house yesterday and waxed a bit Poetic as he looked back on his two terms in office

PrsBsh : " You know ARAK -- when I came into office oil was 50 Dollars a barrel --- and that's right where it is now "
" The Economy was going into a recession -- and that's right where it is now "

" We put a man on the moon ARAK -- and uhhh -- me and Dick that is and uhhh "
" And RUMMY and uhh "

" Heres something I'll bet you didn't realize ARAK "

"' We made thousands of Millionaires and Billionaires"

" And I mean back when the Dollar was worth something --- before I got here that is "

At this point the President was Once Again ushered off to the REAGAN DE-BRIEFING ROOM (upi)

In what could to be his last Diplomatic Initiative a visably aggitated President BUSH sent off a letter to Pakistans President ASIF ALI ZARDARI following the recent events in India

The President writes : " Now listen here Mohammed --- I just visited an Atum and seen a Nukulus"

" Now you better --- and uhhh --- --- We we love Freedom and uhh -- We're Free you see "

The President then sent off a letter of support to Indian Prime Minister MONMOHAN SINGH urging restraint.

PrsBsh : " Now I know things look bad Mohammed"

" But in uhh--- an OWNERSHIP SOCIETY full of Entrapeneurs you see uhhh --- sometimes things uhhh "

ZARDARI and SINGH are said to be preparing a Joint official response. ( C.N.N.)

ROYAL PALACE -- RIJYAD SAUDI ARABIA

" Your Highness we have a visitor from the Yukon who request an Audience with your Greatness "

KingAbdlah: " Is it OIL again ? "
" Is that Fish I smell ? "

" Yes Sire -- it's an Eskimo Rapper who calls himself ( Yo Bitch -- Cook the Fish ) He Reeks Sire "

" Is he here to start that infernal rapping the Americans have inflicted on the world ? '

" He is a hunting campanion of Vice President Chaney Sire "
" Very well then send him in "

ybctf ; " Yo King --bada bing we have to toil -- to get the Oil -- I didn't have to use my A.K. guess you could say it's been a good day"

King ; Is SAADAM still dead ? "

BUZ-KASHI Champions KABUL announced a stunning trade today.
Midfielder KLOCKNA is said to be on the road to hated foe HE-RAT in exchange for two plow horses and an autographed picture of V.P. CHANEY

KLOCKNA had lead KABUL to the 07 championship by grabbing the CARCASS on the Gallup--- avoiding a clubbing-- and dragging the entrails into the scoring area in Overtime

The Carcass had taken a bad hop on HE-RAT

Since being clubbed in a Pre season Match he has been a bit shaky --- losing many a Carcass to defenders and dragging only 3 hoofs into the scoring area this season

He suffered a pulled Groin in a TALIBAN attack in June and has yet to regain his Championship form
( upi)

The OBAMA Transition team announced today that LINCOLN DOUGLAS JEFFERSON will assume the duty of Press Secretary to the incoming President

JEFFERSON has been working for the New York City Transit Authority in an administrative role since the mid 90's and has become notorious for not answering questions

Jeffersons career reached a turning point in 1992 following a particularly horrid contract agreement-- Sensing an opportunity Jefferson addressed the stunned work force

Jffsn : " We have achieved a great VICTORY ! "

He was subsequently Pounded senseless by the irate membership.

JOE THE BUMMER : " A 1% raise over 5 years and the elimination of seniority rights!!! " What are you F#$%&&^N NUTS !!"

That's a F#$@^^#& n " VICTORY ? "

When asked how often he would be briefing the press when he assumes the position Mr. Jefferson responded without hesitation

" Well uhh --- I really don't Know "
" Can't rightly say " " I'll get back to you on that "

President BUSH announced today that Catskill Cover Guy LEAD GUT SPRINGSTEIN will be playing at this years Inauguration event in Washington.

When informed that the 22nd Amendment limited him to Two Terms the President seemed Surprised

" You mean that's It !! "

" I mean how can I leave office with the MULLAHS OF MADNESS of the AXIS OF EVIL planning to send us MUSHROOM CLOUDS for Christmas !"

" I mean they plan to establish a CALIFLOWERIPH and send us back to the 25th Century !! "

" Isn't that right DICK ?

" DICK -- "

President BUSH held a press conference in the HOME DEPOT GARDEN to brief the press the administrations progress during the current economic crisis

PrsBsh : " Now the uhh --The FREEDOM TOWER in Lower Manhatten at the sight of the World Trade Center is almost Complete "

Our OWNERSHIP SOCIETY and its Entrepanuers have once again shown that if you keep the Government off the backs of the Corporations things get done -- Let Freedom Ring ! "

" Just needs a few more floors and uhh -- how many more is that Rummy ? "

Head Coach DONALD RUMSFELD : " Thats 82 more floors Mr President "

Blitzkrieg Horsefly C.N.N. : " Mr President how does that address the current Economic Crisis "
" The BEST POLITICAL TEAM ON TELEVISION would like to know "

Prs ; " Now uh that's just the point -- We"re gonna smoke im out you see-- and We're gonna get him on the run -- and we're gonna keep him on the run you see"
" He can run but he cant hide you see -- I mean BRING IT ON and uhh "

At this point the President was once again ushered off to the REAGAN DE BRIEFING ROOM by Secret Service

The Wine Tasting / Smoker at the GEORGETOWN HARBOR COUNTRY CLUB in honor of the IRANIAN Spuash Team --turned out to be a Social Failure

The " ARMY OF ALLAH " Squash team --Special Guest at the event -- were offended when British Country Punk Band
" PEACE OF CRAP "--- sang their TRIBUTE Song to the IRANIAN SQUASHERS.

In one line " CRAP " suggest that the IRANIANS " shove Their Uranium Rods "

PrsBsh: " You see, I'm not a big fan of " CRAP "

" But I know Mr. A.-----( IRANIAN PRESIDENT MAHMUD AHMAJINEDAD )---- appreciates that this was a TRIBUTE. "

" I mean it's like when Mr. HU was here and we called CHINA ---CHINA --you see we left off the PEOPLES REPUBLIC OF "

" That was a Tribute you see ""
Off to the REAGAN DE BRIEFING ROOM once again--(cnn)

Now that the Presidential Election is over the Talking Haircuts on cable T.V. have decided to do an " IN DEPTH PROFILE " dedicated to Some of the top Moments in AMERICAN MEDIA HISTORY

WASSUP -- The new Media News Show on C.N.N. News will Chronicle the phenomena beginning next Monday with the
" Best Political Team on Television "

Among the classic Moments

1 ) GERALDO RIVERA stumbling into Al CAPONES safe on National Television after weeks of Promotion --- in PRIME TIME --- and finding nothing but a pack of LUCKIES

2) What's her name on AMERI CON IDLE -- who After repeatedly referring to crooner BARRY MANILOW as Barry FANILOW ! proceded to tell us that
" His accomplishments in the music business had made a HOUSEHOLD NAME."

JOEY BUTTAFUCO and his wife appearing with the " Long Island Lolita " AMY FISHER on OPRAH --

( AMERICAN media culture at it's very best.)

Mrs Buttafucco was partially parylized when she slured the famous phrase. " JOEY MY JOEY "
And so we ask the universal question in search of an answer ----- Wasssup ?

President Bush met today with Republican Presidential Candidate John McCain in a car wash outside BILLINGS MONTANA.

McCain ; " I really don't want to be seen with him --- but the KAISER won't come to the table unless uhh "

The President seemed eager to pass along the benefit of his experiences in the White House.

Prs : " Now uhh John you has to realize that you are now the NUKULUS of the Party "

" Don't let MOHAMED ( Pakistans Pervez Musharraf) push you arround "
" And uhhh -- you might want to get RUMMY on Board too" (Head Coach DONALD RUMSFELD)

The meeting ended when the owner of the carwash CARLOS RAMIREZ GONZALEZ MENDEZ
Pushed the Dry Cycle Button and a big Sponge started to massage the Presidential Limo

LOU DOBBS TONIGHT POLL
SHOULD ILLEGAL SPONGES SMUGGLED OVER THE BORDER BY ILLEGALS BE --- LEGAL ?
cast your vote at
www.loudobbs.com/HeyPonchoThatSpongeIsWornOu-BZZZZCRANKKdamnitI'mSoak

Senator BARRAK OBAMA hit the evening Pick four Number last night netting him a cool 300,000 in winnings according to Senator JOHN McCAIN'S Campaign

Apparantly OBAMA had been playing 1221 when he was in Grammer School and the Reverend WRIGHT simply kept playing it for him

WRIGHT : " Listen Cracker !! "
" That was an insurance policy to pay for his college Tuition . "

Senator McCAIN had a different explanation

SenMcAIN : " You see 1221 was the address of the Electrical Power Plant that Senator Obama's Friends in the Weather Underground tried to blow up back in 1971"

Obama : " I was 8 years old when S.D.S. tried to blow that place up. I started playing 1221 because it was only 4 days before Christmas "

" I was a child and mezmarized by the Idea of Christmas being right around the corner --- so it was 4 days before Christmas and --- Look That's where we are now"
" Let's Talk ! "

Obama's winning ticket was purchased at Tandora"s Punjab Deli on 32nd Avenue and 87th Walk in Queens New York.
(upi)

Senator BARRAK OBAMA fielded questions from the Media before heading off on his Diplomatic Fact Finding Mission to the Middle East and Europe

BLITZKRIEG HORSEFLY C.N.N. : " Senator Obama do you intend to continue the Faith Based Initiatives of the BUSH ADMINISTRATION following your Anointment uhhh --- Election ? "

Obma : " Look -- I'm aware of Vice President CHANEY'S Faith Based Company and --- Let's Talk! "

V.P.CHANEY'S no bid company BULLDOZING FOR CHRIST Mowed Down the Commune Nancy Pelosi and the Democrats had Constructed following the 06 midterm elictions.

Vice President DICK CHANEY accidently clubed KABUL Buzkashi Star Midfielder KLOCKNA Knocking him Unconscience --- at the WAR LORD'S BALL AND CORTILLIAN last week

KLOKNA was Demonstrating the proper manner in which to zone in and Club an Opponent as the Visiting Vice President watched Attentively.

In the process of the Demonstration , CHANEY was given the Club , to Practice his Technique

As KLOKNA looked up from the Shrimp Cocktail tray CHANEY inadvertantly Clubed Him--knocking the Super Star Midfielder Unconscience.

Klockna regained conscienceness but was a bit Woozy --- Instinctively reaching for the Goat Carcass with his hook

Chny: " That's why he's so good. He has the instincts of a Champion. He's not gay is he? "

The Season opens this afternoon with Carar at Mazar-e-Sarif (r.d.)

President BUSH and V.P. DICK CHANEY have apparently ironed out plans to save Wall Street and the Economy

BULLDOZING FOR CHRIST ( Chaney"s Faith Based Contractors ) will begin Demolishing the " HALLOWED CAVERNS OF CAPITALISM " at the opening Bell on Monday

BDFC Chief Engineer Rev Hacksaw : " Were gonna start on Wall and William and work our way North Hallaluah "

PrsBsh : " This will jump start the Housing Market by creating Less Supply you see and uhhh "

Sen McCain : " The Democrats are planning Build another Commune as they did after the mid terms in 06: "
" And THAT ONE is for it ! "

Sen Obama : " Senator McCain would have you believe that I'm a Socialist with ties to the Weather Underground "

" Well COMRADES that's a total Falsehood !! "
"But it's where we are now-- Let's Talk -- Right On ! "

Demolition begins Tuesday Morning.

Civilization took a Major Hit Yesterday Afternoon
It seems the President of DEUTCHEBANK was injured while walking down WALL STREET following a Three Martini Lunch

HELMUT FRANENFUHRER was hit by an Errant Bag of Money as he toured lower Manhattans Financial District

The Bag of Devalued Dollars had inadvertantly fallen from the eighth floor offices of EXON MOBILE on Water Street

A Police Spokesman at the scene clarified the situation : " At first we thought it was a Speculator -- but it turned out to be a bag a cash "

Suzzy Ohrman " This man is a great ASSETT to Humanity"
" I mean he has a Wonderful F.I.C.A. score and his Investments are KEENLY DIVERSIFIED -- The man's a True AMERICAN "

PrsBsh : " Now uhhh I know uhh -- what's his name --and uhh he loves Freedom and uhh-- Whew!! What is it 3 months ? -- Whew!!! "
(ap)