Al Lee Wyer: News

President BUSH sent an email to the White House offering to confront North Korean beloved leader KIM JONG IL on behalf of the OBAMA adminstration

FmrPrsBsh : " Now uhh listen here ARRAK "
" Uhh RUMMY and me know that lil heffer-- hehee and uhh "
" And uhh -- he's no Cattle man I'll tell you that. "

North Korea is planning more rocket launches and the Former President sees a danger to National Security.

" We should get Rummy on this --- and Dick ! "

" Smoke em out and get em on the run you see and uhh "

" Hello -- uhh Arrak uhh Hello "

Following IRAN'S Historic first Satellite Launch earlier this year --- a light appears over the evening sky in Crawford Texas

Ex Prs Bush : " Laura look up there !"
" I think the Moon is Cutin and Runnin "

Laura Bsh : " Now George I don't think that's the Moon , looks more like a Savage Radical Islamic Meteorite "

ExPrs: " Get that Telescope that RUMMY gave us will ya "

" Look Laura it's a Rocket and it has something written on it "

" It says GREETINGS TO THE GREAT SATAN -- GO GET YOUR CAR WASHED. LOVE MAHMOUD '
" Get me Dick on the Phone Pronto"

" That's from that Heathen MAUDAMENDA AJIBANDADIDA and it may be Nukular "

Laura Bsh : " George stop shouting at that thing and come back inside "

ExPrsBsh shouting at the sky

" BRING IT ON "
" And I washed my car last week"
"12.50 and I got a free Pretzel "

Former Vice President DICK CHANEY bagged a huge lummox on his hunting trip to parts unknown.

" I saw it lumbering up that hill over there and BAAM!! I got the Sucker"
" Looked a little like BILL CLINTON from a distance heh heh, -- pass me a beer"

The Lummox was stuffed at the INTERMOUNTAIN TAXADERMY EMPORIUM of a local Hunting Buddy.

When asked about rumours he'd be named Ambasador to Estonia his only reply was

" Give me 6 months and I'll have those ROOSKIES Quoting Scripture, pass me another one will ya"

--- " Look!-------- Over there!!
BAMM!! ---- heh heh That one looked a little like KERRY-- lol"

"I held my fire before I didn't--- --LOOOOOLLL--- pass me another one padner"

Former President BUSH seemed pleased with his Vp

" Only in a FREE Society is it Possable to Shoot and stuff Lummox"

" As I've said before, Im a Cattle man you see, and I love Freedom "
--------------------------
LOU DOBBS TONIGHT POLL

SHOUL LUMMOX BE FAIR GAME ?---- AND IF SO--- SHOULD POLITICIANS LEARN TO DUCK
cast your vote at www.loudobbs.com/lummox

White House Press Secretary THOMAS JEFFERSON addressed the Media from the HOME DEPOT GARDEN this morning.

Former Vice President CHANEY had sold the naming rights to the Rose Garden to Home Depot for 8 years back in 2005

T.Jffsn : ' " Now listen here -- President OBAMA has just informed me that he is naming the Reverend WRIGHT to head The Department of INDIAN AFFAIRS "

C.B.S. " Does that mean he'll be visiting reservations "

T. jffsn : " I really don't know '

N.B.C. " But won't he have to speak with the Tribes ? "

T.Jfsn : " I can't say -- He might though "

C.N.N. " But Mr. Jefferson -- can you tell us anything about his new post and duties ? "

T. Jffsn : " Why you askin me THAT ! "

The Reverend WRIGHT is rumored to be on his way to North Carolina to meet with Cherokee Chief known as LAUGHING FOOT WITH CORN (UPS)

Former V.P. DICK CHANEYS Faith based No Bid Contractors
" BULLDOZING FOR CHRIST " are in the news again

It Seems the Holy Rollers leveled a wall that C.N.N.'s Immigration Expert LOU DOBBS and his Malitia of " GIVE ME ABOUT A HALF AN HOUR " men -- had Constructed in Marietta Georgia

Rev Hacksaw -- C.E.O. of B.F.C. explained.

" You see my boys are all U.S.A approved and was gettin hungry "

" That Dufus builds his Wall around a Tacho Bell and starts askin for proof of Citizenship to get a damned Burrito "

" That's just Un American if you ask me Hallaluah praise Jesus "

DOBBS maintains that he was only
" Fullfiling my Destiny "

" If Mexicans want to eat American Food let em do it in their own Country --- pass the Guacamolie dip will ya "

Authorities are investigating the incident (ap)

LOU DOBBS TONIGHT POLL

SHOULD WHITE CHRISTIAN CONSTRUCTION WORKERS CARRY PROOF OF CITIZENSHIP TO EAT MEXICAN
cast your vote at

www.loudobbs.com/HeyPanchoDon'tLightThatCiga--BOOOOOOM

Music business Honcho's at Atlantic and Capitol Records have announce that they will sponsor a Tribute to the inventer of the drum Machine--MARCEL " AND A ONE "

"AND A ONE" moved on last month but left a legacy of metrononish sound tracks behind as his little piece of history

Jammal Windsor : " He was a real Genius man" " " I mean without him ( and the Japanese ) I doubt there would be American Kaao uhhh I mean Idol"

A huge cerimony is planned with 86,000 drum machines plugged into each other stretching from New York to Los Angeles

Catskill Cover Guy LEAD GUT SPRINGSTEIN will have the honor of pushing the start button. (ap)

Filming began today at M.G.M. Studios on
" THE REGIS PHILBIN STORY " which stars Eskimo Rapper " Yo Bitch -- Cook the Fish " as Regis and Jerry Mathers as the Beaver

REGIS (YBCTF) : " Yo Beaver -- That aint no @$%^# Game Show -- That's my Bitch ! "

" Where the F@$$% Kathy Lee at ? "

Beaver : " Gee Regis -- I uh -- I'll go ask Dad . Maybe he can take us Fishing this weekend "

WALLY : " Gee Beev -- I don't know about that . I think he's going to see the REGIS PHILBIN show "

Director --- CUT !! THATS A TAKE !
Filming resumes tomorrow.
(T.V. Guide)

DaRTAGNAN ROBESPIERRE the Prime Minister of the ASCERBIC STATE OF KaNeF is apparently playing to tough crowds in the U.S.A

ROBESPIERRE is Scheduled to open for British Punk Country Band " Peace of Crap " later this month at the FEED THE ART CRITC and WINE TASTERS Benefit in PARIS

His Mime Act is not being well received to say the least.

Rbspr : " This collection of Flotsum spend their time standing at the Cultural Bus Stop of life without exact change ---- MORONS ! "

In 2006 President BUSH squared off in a debate with Irans MAHAMOUD AHMAJINEDAD

Prs ; " I will Confont the Mullah's of Maddness of the Axis of Evil "

The following is a transcript of the historic event.

Amjndad :-- " Meester BUSH -- as the leader of such a Formidable Military and Economic Power----
How is it that your car is so Filthy ?

PrsBsh-- " You see MAJADIDIDOD -- in an OWNERSHIP SOCIETY"

" Uhhh sometimes you know -- We have to kick up a little dirt to uh---GET THINGS DONE "

LOU DOBBS C.N.N.
" Mr. AHMAJINEDAD where do you stand on Illegal Immigration "

Amjnd : " As you know Meester DOBBS I promised in the Campaign to Chase the Illegal mice out of IRAN ---and allso Promised to get My Car Washed."

" Thanks to IRANS Nuclear Program I was able to fullfill both Promises "

Prs Bsh : " Now uh you see --- He ---he--said something there you see !! "

" What do NUKULAR Programs have to do with uh -- an Illegal Rodent Population ! "

" And by the way I've been Informed that the Presidential Limo was Washed Just Yesterday "

BLITZKRIEG HORSEFLY
C.N.N.
Mr Ahmjndad--- " What became of the Iranian Mice ? "
" Are they being held without being charged !!!"
"And are you embarassed by that "

AHMJNDAD : " Meester HORSEFLY"
" We deported all the Mice to ISRAEL--- which We believe---- should be moved to EUROPE "

" What has my opponent done about Illegal AMERICAN mice ? "

Prs BSH : " Now we-- we have AMERICAN PATRIOTIC CATS who won't CUT AND RUN and uhh --- they'r gonna smoke em out you see --- and get em on the run -- they can run but they can't hide you see "

" And ISREAL should not be in EUROPE --- it belongs in NORTH AFRICA right where it is "

At this point AHMAJINEDAD was ushered off to the KHOMAINI de- briefing room

while

Mr. BUSH --- once again--- was ushered off to the REAGAN de- briefing room
( readers digest )

A brawl broke out Monday at the WAR LORDS BALL AND CORTILLION in Afghanistan

It seems the Drunken skirmish began following a questionable call by Referee JINZABALK during the Ceremonial BUZKASHI match

Midfielder KLOCKNA had apparantly given KABUL a one Goat Carcass to Nil lead against hated rival HERAT

Klockna was mobbed by jubillant team mates after dragging the carcass ( Tail First) into the scoring area at the 12:08 mark of the first half

It was at this point that the referee called KLOCKNA " Off Sides " nullifying the score

War Lord Milkinsof ( obviously aggitated ) Blindsided his Rival Chieftan PILKNER with a piece of Shrimp Cocktail and a Pig in a Bun at the post game bash.

Order was restored by former Vice President CHANEY who was on hand to throw out the first Goat.

The game was delayed 15 minits into play by a Taliban Attack but it had no effect on the outcome.
(ap)

The INDIAN National Squash team Pounded the Visiting GEORGETOWN HARBOR COUNTRY CLUB Squashers 9-4 in the opener of their diplomatic Series yesterday.

Indian Coach SAHIB TANDORA took a great deal of satisfaction following the opening Victory

Tandora : " I am telling you Sir -- That person is Nooo Gentleman Sir "
"He is big Bullsheeet Sir "

Tandora was refering to Head Coach DONALD RUMSFELD " He called me a Glorified Cab Driver and demanded to play the pick 4 Lotto "

TANDORA tossed a copy of the New York Times at RUMSFELD as he left the Arena

RUMSFELD has made a habit of allienating his hosts since the begining of this DIPLOMATIC TOUR

President HU of CHINA was mistaken for a Bus Boy by Captain BRADLEY ROTHSCHILD IV last month
Rumsfelds " HU'S on First " Greeting at the Airport in Beijing also proved a major Faux Pas

The series continues later in the week

Eagle Eyed Security Guard MOHAMMED JONES is extatic at the news.

The JONES ACADEMY OF THE VIGILANT has received a bid to be among the 64 team field in 2009 NCAA Basketball Tournament which begins next Thursday.

The Academy ( Named in honor of the Eagle Eyed Sleuth ) will open the Tournament against Villanova.

JONES was discovered in the act of Dis Assembling an Explosive Device on the Jersey Peers 2 years ago and was heralded as a hero

He addressed the student Body at a Pep Rally Last Nght

Jns : " Know this -- The entrails of the infidel shall trail him as he feeds at inflated Breast of the Wonton Whore!!! "

" His Blasphemous venim shall smite him and follow his bowels to the gates of Doom !!!"

" This we Swear !! BY THE BEARD OF THE PROPHET !!"

The JONES ACADEMY OF THE VIGILANT Marching Band then Took the Field and played a compilation of CLAY AIKINS Greatest Hits starting with

" A CLAY AIKINS CHRISTMAS IN JANUARY and " WE'VE ONLY JUST BEGUN" BY THE Carpenters

Villanova has been installed as a 9 point Favorite (S.I.)

MAZIR E SARIF held it's first LADIES day BUZKASHI match yesterday afternoon.

FINAL SCORE
MAZAR----------- 2 Carcasses
QUANDAHAR--- 1 Cacass + 1/2 of a hindquarter--- minus tail

MAZAR is hot having won it's last 4 matches by at least 1 goat carcass.

All Ladies attending the Match Received a bottle of INTOXICATED WAR LORD repellent

The WAR LORDS BALL AND CORTILLION followed the Match.

Just a precaution to ensure their virtue remains intact

KABUL superstar KLOKNA threw out the first Goat Carcass.

President OBAMA's head of Indian Affairs the Reverend JERAMIAH WRIGHT has announced his own Stimulus Plan.

Wrht : Now listen Here --
" The White Man is hurting and as we all know that Trickles Down to your Sorry Asses '

Chief LIMPING FEATHER : " Now Guys listen up -- if we skip lunch we can finish the Damn by Four O'clock '

The Reverend has arranged for JOE THE BUMMER to give us an inspirational talk.
( Working like a White Guy or how I quit my job and ran for congress )

" It's available on D.V.D. for 3 easy payments of 19.99 "

RevWrt " That's right -- all proceeds go to JESUS "

The White House. Washington D.C.

RRRinnnng : " Hello ---- just a moment please"

" Mr. President it's W on the Phone , he says he's got an Idea for your Stimulus Package "

PrsObama : " Did you tell him I'm looking for my shoelace ? "

" Oh Hell put him through"

PrsObma : " Good Morning Mr. President -- how are things in Texas '

PrsBush : " You know ARAK -- I'm a cattle man you see and uhh "

" I just thought that since I left you an OWNERSHIP SOCIETY "

" That uhh You shouldn't Cut and Run Just because the CHINESE own it -- and uhh "

" Maybe you could get RUMMY on Board "

" Hello ------ Hel uhhh -- Hello"

MOONBEAM READ -- daughter of Nevada Senator HARRY READ (D) has filed charges against former Vice President CHANEY in Washington.

Mnbeem Read : " Me and my old man dug a well man "
" We had FRESH WATER man! "

She was referring to the Commune the Democrats had constructed on the great mall after their 2006 mid term victory.

The Former V.P. handed out a no bid deal to Faith Based Contractors BULLDOZING FOR CHRIST who promptly Demolished the place

Senator JOHN KERRY ( who was crashing in his hut at the time ) has reportedly made a call to CARLOS RAMIREZ GONZALEZ MENDEZ --- C.E.O. of Mexican Firm " WET BACK FIX A FLAT " --- and offered him a no bid contract to clean up the mess.

C.N.N.'s LOU DOBBS has called for KERRY'S Censure

LOU DOBBS TONIGHT POLL

SHOULD ILLEGALS BE ALLOWED INTO THE U.S. TO HELP SENATOR KERRY FIND HIS STASH
cast your vote at
www.loudobbs.com/HeyPonchoDontLightThatM--BOOOM

Former President BUSH made a surprise appearance last night in Crawford Texas

exPrs ; You see uhh -- I'm getting my car washed and uhh "

CARLOS RAMIREZ GONZALEZ MENDEZ Chief Executive Officer of Mexican Firm ' WET BACK FIX A FLAT was polite and acomedating

" Yo Gringo, you want wheel polish man "
" Sung tine it come it come out good Man "

ex Prs ( Talking to make believe press presence )
" You see I'm proud to have left behind an OWNERSHIP SOCIETY where guys like Carlos can live the MEXICAN version of the AMERICAN Dream and uhhh - you see."

Pablo the Mechanic : " Yo Carlos it's the Bank Meng -- that dudes got a padlock meng "

PrsBsh : ' And in Closing -- uhhh what are you doing my cars in there !"

" I'll call ARRAK if you lock that garage"

" DICK --- RUMMY ! "

When Vice President CHANEY sold the naming rights of the White House to CHINESE AMERICAN Entrepanuer Mr. CHIN LU last Year --- it caused quite an uproar in the Capitol.

" MR LU'S TAKEOUT COMPLEX AT 1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE " opened for business in late 2005 in the White House Basement

Former Prs Bsh : " You see the damned phones never stoped ringing --- I mean we don't have Won Tons in TEXAS"

Meanwhile at the White House
rrrrrnnnnnng rinng -- "

"Hello"

" You have the wrong number -- no we don't deliver -- Soy Sause ? No we don't " " Hot Sauce ? -- No we don't "
Hangs up

"Where's Jefferson --- Get me JOE and HILLARY will ya "

" Is she back yet from the Middle East yet ? "

Press Scty Jefferson : " I really can't say --- but she could be. I Just don't know Mr. President but it's Possable "

LOU DOBBS is in the process of errecting an 8 foot wall arround a TACHO BELL in Park Slope Brooklyn

25 illegal Immigrant's ( hired by DOBBS this morning ) are working arround the clock to complete it before their discovered and deported

Dbbs: -- " We are determined to keep illegals from purchasing American Goods that rightfully belong to Americans "

When it was pointed out that virtually all of the customers that frequent the Franchise are indeed American Citizens-- DOBBS replied

" Well They Had Better Be Able To Prove It Or Their Eating Chinese Tonight "
LOU DOBBS TONIGHT POLL

SHOULD WE CONSIDER BUILDING WALLS AROUND CHINESE RESTAURANTS AS WELL.
cast your vote at
www.loudobbs.com/damnthesemexicansworkfast

President BARRAK OBAMA looking to emphasize his commitment to FAITH BASED INITIATIVES has sent his former pastor the Rev. Wright to Saudi Arabia on a Diplomatic good will mission

ROYAL PALACE -- RIYJAD
" SIRE -- The Reverend Wright is here from America and seeks an audience with Your Grace "

" Is SADDAM STILL DEAD ? "

" As a doornail Sire "

" Very well then send him in "
" Reverend Wright it's wonderful to see you wont you Please come in "

RevWrt: " Listen CRACKER -- WHITEY has been exploiting the Black Man for Centuries so --- DRILL SOME OIL for BARRAK ! "

K.Abdullah " Reverend Wright as you can plainly see -- we are not Caucasian we are Sunni "

" Salted Cracker -- Unsalted Cracker -- A Cracker's still a Cracker so start Drillin for BARRAK "

KngAbdlah : " Rev Wright -- is SAADAM still Dead ? "

" As a doornail King "

" Then have you considered a crap game or perhaps the daily pick 4 to raise funds ? "

This story is approved by JOHN ONEILL and the SWIFT BOAT VETERANS FOR TRUTH

The INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES has announced that it will be giving away FREE PANCAKES on February 24 the from 7 A.M. until 10 P.M.

The Promotion is a reaction to the Superbowl Commercial which triggered the FREE Breakfast give away by WENDYS February 3rd -- which drew 2 Million Customers.

I.H.O.P. also announced that Catskill Cover Guy LEAD GUT SPRINGSTEIN will be kicking off the party at 7 am at the IHOP on Rt 97 in upstate New York

Springstein will be joined in the festivities by the inventor of the Drum Machine MARCEL ANDAONE along with Eskimo Rapper YO BITCH -- COOK THE FISH and Country Music Legend FULLHOUSE FOLDEM

ANAONE was only recently released from BELLEVUE where he had been treated for a rare mental disorder

He apparently suffered from the Delusion that he was really CLAY AIKINS and continuously sang songs from his Album " A CLAY AIKINS CHRISTMAS IN JANUARY "

SPRNGSTEIN : " Hey GILLY -- the Fat F#s O.K. --lets do a tribute"
" Brown Eyed Girl on three"
' ANDAONE and ATWO "
(ap)

NORTH KOREAN ( Beloved Leader ) KIM JONG IL and IRANIAN Bellevue Candidate MACHMUD AHMAJINEDAD held a Mental Health Conference in PYONG YANG last week.

JONG IL and AHMAJINEDAD have reportedly formed a new COALITION

To mark the occasion they played a Nationaly Televised Game of PASSWORD ------the Official Game of NORTH KOREA.

JONG IL gave the Clues while AHMAJINIDAD tried to guess the Pass Word.
The PASS WORD turned out to be

" INTERCONTINENTAL BALLISTIC MISSAL "

The correct reply was given by Ahmajinedad following the fifth clue from IL--- which was

" IT SCARES THE HELL OUT OF THE GREAT SATAN "

The Nationaly broadcasted game was seen in a record 243 North Korean Households. (ap)

Catskill Cover Guy LEADGUT SPRINGSTEIN was turned away at the Presidential Inauguration Cerimonies in D.C.

It seems President BUSH -- unaware that the 22nd Amendment limited him to 2 terms -- had invited LEAD GUT to perform at his Third Inauguaration.

Sprgstn : " Hey Gilly they kicked me out -- I gave up 2 Ihop Gigs for this '

President Elect OBAMA would not consider interrupting GARTH BROOKS

Sprnstn : Listen Gilly --- to hell with that F%$#%#$G Cowboy Bumpkin"
" Let's do a tribute -- Brown Eyed Girl on three "

Springstein and MARCEL ANDAONE ( Inventor of the Drum Machine ) are Scheduled to Play T.G.I.F.s in Sheepshead Bay next week

" Andaone and a two " (ap)

JOHN O'NEILL and his " Swift Boat Veterans for Truth " have announced plans to attend the OBAMA innauguration.

Oneil : " You see we know that BARRAK OBAMA is not really Black. He painted his face and hired a Black Woman to pretend to be his wife "
" It was all put together by JOHN KERRY back in Vietnam in 1968 right after he shot himself in the foot to get elected in 2004 "

Meanwhile back in Red State NOJEWSHERE Alabama.
" Unis -- didn't that JOLSON fella paint his face too ? "

Governor SARAH PALIN is the subject of a law suit filed by Eskimo Rapper " YO BITCH - COOK THE FISH " in Alaska New Years Day.

The Enigmatic Eskimo was said to be Fishing with his regular hunting buddy V.P. DICK CHANEY when a tree limb fell on their make shift Igloo.

PALIN was Celebrating the New Year by Shooting at Russia and accidently hit the fortuitously placed tree

Palin : " OOOKIE DOOOKIE that ought to wake em up in VLADIVOSTAK I"LL betcha -- Moose for everybody - what channels the Hockey Game on "
"
Alaska Senator TED STEVENS ( a Convicted felon )came to PALINS defense

Stevens : " I don't care what they say or how much evidence they have --- I didn't do it "
" And I don't give a damn if the Jury Convicted me"
I'm Not Convicted !! "
" Now wheres the F@^*&%$n Puck !! " (readers digest)